Have you seen Scary Mommy's Motherhood Merit Badges?
If not, they're a laugh riot, definitely check 'em out!
Here are my two favorites -
I know they warn you about the bathing drought before you birth the baby, but what they do not warn you about is the depths of uncleanliness you will sink to, or that they continue well beyond the baby daze.
Though I'm no longer changing baby boy diapers, and dodging their urine fountains, living with three "standers" means I'm constantly battling poorly aimed penises!
How do they manage to get urine on the toilet seat (that's up!), the back of the toilet, the floor, even on the walls!
No matter how vigilant I am, my bathroom perpetually smells like a poorly-tended kitty litter box.
Thank god for Green Works Cleaning Wipes! I keep canisters tucked behind both toilets in my house and am constantly wiping down every surface I can reach while sitting on the john.
But in my most humble opinion, Scary Mommy overlooked one important mommy merit badge . . . Playdate Survivor!
For all those miserable playdates you've suffered thru hosting - mornings struggling to make small talk with a mom you have zero in common with while your toddlers play independently on opposite side of the room, and after school dates with the kid that critiques your home and snack selections, treats you like a beleaguered nanny, and informs your child of all the latest toys everybody else has but he is lacking. For all those times you desperately wanted to put your "guest" out on the curb to wait for their ride home - but didn't.
Be sure to check out Scary Mommy's merit badge collection.
What badges have you've earned while serving in the Mommy Trenches?